Superhero O-Faces

This one is too easy, so the only comments I'll make are a) no, these aren't action figures, but still, and b) what's up with Spidey's nose/mouth hole, and c) I would have much rather seem a Wonder Woman version of these things.

Bozo Pop... Lick It and Guess What Happens

In memory-slash-honor-slash-mockery of the death of Bozo the Clown (or rather, the guy that played him for the last bunch of decades) I searched around for the most horrifying Bozo toy I could find. Thing is, they're all pretty scary. But the blatant sexual innuendo inherent in a Bozo Pop was the clear winner. Like where you're actually licking in relation to his torso. And the instructions on the packaging. It's comedy gold, the way Bozo would want us to remember him.

I'm Gonna Get You Suckerman

Suckerman (or "Sucky" as he was affectionately known) was a rubbery demon guy full of suction cups and you'd fling him atthe wall and watch him stick there, until the suckers got all dirty and he wouldn't stick anymore, and then you'd see how far he could stretch without breaking, and the answer was "not too far" and then you'd throw his sorry ass out and hop on your Atari. And that, my friends, was the day that video games won the hearts and minds of our youth. Et tu, Suckerman?

Do You Garloo?

Meet the Great Garloo. "Garloo" is his name and does not refer to his leopard-loincloth hidden heat-seeking moisture missile. But what is his hand gesture referring to? Is it that wide, as Garloo would hope, or that short? He did spawn a Son of Garloo, so at least it's working. No word on any She-Garloos though.

Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces, and a Hundred Thousand Nightmares

Do you remember Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces? Do you remember the time you woke up at 2:30 am and there was a hint of moonlight cast upon his face as he gazed at you from the foot of your bed? Did you run screaming into your parents room? Did you burn him the next day? Did you successfully suppress this memory, only to have it thrust back into your consciousness, without warning? If you've answered yes to even one of these questions, you have my sympathy. (But don't you dare go looking for him on eBay now. It will only end in tears.)