You Big Dummy Indeed

If you're not a child of the 70s (or 80s re-run syndicated television), you might not appreciate the fact that their actually existed a Redd Fox doll. Or maybe you do, it's not really my place to say. It's just about the strangest doll I've seen. Not really an action figure, but you can use him however you'd like, make him fight Stretch Armstrong, whatever. Was their ever a Jimmy Walker one of these? Or Bonnie Franklin? Or Freddie Prinze? Time to consult Google!

Godzilla ... Fists-a-Flyin'!

Here's one of the all-time classic and oddest Godzilla toys, part of the 70's giant robot Shogun Warriors line. There are three things that make this such a great toy, as demonstrated from the above pic with all the creases on it... hey, take care of the original packaging, kids. First, a talent we'd all kill to have, a flaming tongue, according to insiders not included to represent his fire breath but rather to cash in on the Rolling Stones logo popularity. Second, if Godzilla was anything, he was a futurist, and his use of healys predated the annoying fad by over two decades (I refuse to believe he was into rollerskating). But the third and greatest and most bizarre feature of this toy was its unique "distance punching" ability, which as of today has thankfully not been adopted by kids. You think healys are annoying, just you wait for the day that flying fists invade your local mall. You'll hate it as much as Ghidorah, the Three Headed Monster did.

I'm Gonna Get You Suckerman

Suckerman (or "Sucky" as he was affectionately known) was a rubbery demon guy full of suction cups and you'd fling him atthe wall and watch him stick there, until the suckers got all dirty and he wouldn't stick anymore, and then you'd see how far he could stretch without breaking, and the answer was "not too far" and then you'd throw his sorry ass out and hop on your Atari. And that, my friends, was the day that video games won the hearts and minds of our youth. Et tu, Suckerman?

Hooray for Boray!

The original Battlestar Galactica is, strangely enough, remembered for the cool Cylon robots and robot dogs, but not so much for Boray. Why, it's so bad that even Boray doesn't remember Boray. Just look at him in the plastic, he's all like "Ah! What the hell is that ugly giant face staring at me?!?" and then big Boray is all like "Don't you sass me, young man! You endlessly disappoint me as an action figure, you gaudy, coma-inducing assault on the ocular senses." And then off in the distance, a Viper blows up a Cylon fighter and everyone on the Galactic cheers. See? This toy is more exciting if you keep it in its original packaging.

Big Bird Flu?

I've got your pandemic right here, boys and girls. One of these things is definitely not like the others. Has Big Bird ever been more sinister looking than this representation? It makes me reconsider a lot of things I thought were true. Like Mr. Hooper. How did he die? Bird seemed awfully confused by it... almost a little too confused now that I think about it. Hmmm. And don't get me started about how long it's been since we've seen Guy Smiley or Roosevelt Franklin on the Street.

The C.B. McHaul Bad Guys

No, this isn't some twisted redneck circle jerk. It's from the a line of trucker themed toys cleverly called "C.B. McHaul". The guy in the middle is Bad Leroy. He sure is happy here, and can you blame him? I don't know what his buddies' names are, but I like to pretend one is called Off-Color Odie and the other is Unmannerly Mike.

Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces, and a Hundred Thousand Nightmares

Do you remember Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces? Do you remember the time you woke up at 2:30 am and there was a hint of moonlight cast upon his face as he gazed at you from the foot of your bed? Did you run screaming into your parents room? Did you burn him the next day? Did you successfully suppress this memory, only to have it thrust back into your consciousness, without warning? If you've answered yes to even one of these questions, you have my sympathy. (But don't you dare go looking for him on eBay now. It will only end in tears.)

Stretch Monster, be gentle with me, it's my first time.

Kicking things off is Stretch Monster. He's actually one of the greatest action figures of all time, what with the lethal goo inside him and all, but he's also one of the weirdest so he makes the list. This packaging is particularly freaky. I don't know what's worse, the kid's face or the pose he's got our Monster pal and Stretch Armstrong in. Maybe it's a combination of the two. I need some me-time to reflect upon this.