Big Loo is Very Happy to See You!

I suppose that if I were to create a robot with a goal to make him as non-threatening as possible, naming him "Big Loo" would be high on that checklist, along with giving him a genuine smile pretty enough for an album cover, fantastic summer colors, the ability to shoot ping pong balls from his hand and water from his belly button. Then I could take a step back, nod my head in satisfaction, light up a pipe (because I imagine most robot builders still smoke pipes) and exclaim "Big Loo, you are totally off the hiz-ook."

Note how I am completely side-stepping the penis-missile head? That was a private choice, my friend, which I prefer not to discuss. Not until I'm ready.

Greatest Tape Dispenser of All Time

Sure, it's not an action figure, but if you're a fan of openly gay robots and if you enjoy the convenience of receiving neatly cut pieces of tape from a dispenser, right now you're undoubtedly thinking "Have I found myself in a mythical Himalayan utopia at last?" Well, that's not for me to say. But what I can comment on is the beauty of this C-3PO collectible, perhaps the most perplexing Star Wars piece of merchandising ever. "Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating me to erotic pleasure by pulling this tape is approximately 3,720 to 1."

Most Sexually Explicit Sounding Star Wars Toy

The Probe Droid. With Photo Torpedo (c'mon!) and, wait for it, Self-Destruct Exploding Head. I love it. Give me this, a Slave Leia figure, and a cheap bottle of tequila and you won't see me all weekend.

Hooray for Boray!

The original Battlestar Galactica is, strangely enough, remembered for the cool Cylon robots and robot dogs, but not so much for Boray. Why, it's so bad that even Boray doesn't remember Boray. Just look at him in the plastic, he's all like "Ah! What the hell is that ugly giant face staring at me?!?" and then big Boray is all like "Don't you sass me, young man! You endlessly disappoint me as an action figure, you gaudy, coma-inducing assault on the ocular senses." And then off in the distance, a Viper blows up a Cylon fighter and everyone on the Galactic cheers. See? This toy is more exciting if you keep it in its original packaging.