Superhero O-Faces

This one is too easy, so the only comments I'll make are a) no, these aren't action figures, but still, and b) what's up with Spidey's nose/mouth hole, and c) I would have much rather seem a Wonder Woman version of these things.

Glow in the Dark Miracle Hands? Jesus Christ!

Forget about your "kung-fu grip" or even your "change from robot to car" toy gimmicks ... the new Deluxe Jesus Christ action figure sports "glow in the dark miracle hands" plus accessories to die for, including five loafs of bread. Bring home the body of Christ to your children today and have him kick Cobra Commander's ass. Available at finer Wal-Marts, I'd wager.

Bozo Pop... Lick It and Guess What Happens

In memory-slash-honor-slash-mockery of the death of Bozo the Clown (or rather, the guy that played him for the last bunch of decades) I searched around for the most horrifying Bozo toy I could find. Thing is, they're all pretty scary. But the blatant sexual innuendo inherent in a Bozo Pop was the clear winner. Like where you're actually licking in relation to his torso. And the instructions on the packaging. It's comedy gold, the way Bozo would want us to remember him.

Worst Batman Action Figure Ever?

Sometimes when my laptop gets a virus, I wish I could spew forth a ring of flame around my torso and yellow mucus from my head, and make it all go away. So leave it to Bruce Wayne to figure out a way to actually make that happen. McAfee and Norton be damned. This is a much cooler way of getting those pesky files that seem to creep into my system after scouring the web for naked pictures of She-Hulk. (I know you're out there, by the way... I will find you). Of course, we're all assuming this toy is about computer viruses when actually he might be fending of herpes. I mean... Catwoman? Come on, she's got to be loaded with the stuff.