Monday, April 30, 2007

Greatest Tape Dispenser of All Time

Sure, it's not an action figure, but if you're a fan of openly gay robots and if you enjoy the convenience of receiving neatly cut pieces of tape from a dispenser, right now you're undoubtedly thinking "Have I found myself in a mythical Himalayan utopia at last?" Well, that's not for me to say. But what I can comment on is the beauty of this C-3PO collectible, perhaps the most perplexing Star Wars piece of merchandising ever. "Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating me to erotic pleasure by pulling this tape is approximately 3,720 to 1."

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Most Sexually Explicit Sounding Star Wars Toy

The Probe Droid. With Photo Torpedo (c'mon!) and, wait for it, Self-Destruct Exploding Head. I love it. Give me this, a Slave Leia figure, and a cheap bottle of tequila and you won't see me all weekend.

Nothing is Over! Unless I Erase it With My Head!

While technically not an action figure, action erasers are even cooler, especially when they look like a ninja or John Rambo. I would fear ever making a mistake, because Rambo would put me in a body bag if I tried to use his head to correct it. He'd be mad enough with a pencil sticking in his arse. Do I think this eraser top is God? No, a God eraser would have mercy. He won't.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Hooray for Boray!

The original Battlestar Galactica is, strangely enough, remembered for the cool Cylon robots and robot dogs, but not so much for Boray. Why, it's so bad that even Boray doesn't remember Boray. Just look at him in the plastic, he's all like "Ah! What the hell is that ugly giant face staring at me?!?" and then big Boray is all like "Don't you sass me, young man! You endlessly disappoint me as an action figure, you gaudy, coma-inducing assault on the ocular senses." And then off in the distance, a Viper blows up a Cylon fighter and everyone on the Galactic cheers. See? This toy is more exciting if you keep it in its original packaging.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Big Bird Flu?

I've got your pandemic right here, boys and girls. One of these things is definitely not like the others. Has Big Bird ever been more sinister looking than this representation? It makes me reconsider a lot of things I thought were true. Like Mr. Hooper. How did he die? Bird seemed awfully confused by it... almost a little too confused now that I think about it. Hmmm. And don't get me started about how long it's been since we've seen Guy Smiley or Roosevelt Franklin on the Street.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Do You Garloo?

Meet the Great Garloo. "Garloo" is his name and does not refer to his leopard-loincloth hidden heat-seeking moisture missile. But what is his hand gesture referring to? Is it that wide, as Garloo would hope, or that short? He did spawn a Son of Garloo, so at least it's working. No word on any She-Garloos though.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Worst G.I. Joe Code Names Ever #1: Skidmark

Yeah, so this G.I. Joe really is code-named Skidmark. I guess knowing really is half the battle! I included the little card cutout thing from the package to prove it. A little known fact, the original codename was "Poopy Pants" but the powers-that-be felt it wasn't tough enough. Now that I mention it, the color of his pants makes the whole thing even worse. I believe he was part of the"Fecal Force" wave that included the "Louisiana Swamp Ass" Dreadnaut, and the "Choco Wheelie" assault vehicle.