I Ax You, Is Dis Rappin' Mike Ninja Turtle Da Bomb, Aw'ight? Tru Dat!

No toy line ever had its finger on the pulse on the America culture scene as tightly as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Breakdancing, eating pizza, use of the word "dude" and "radical" ... and hey, when have ninjas ever not been all that? That being said, this is perhaps the worst TMNT figure ever, is "Rappin Mike" complete with Microphone Nunchuku and Rappin' 'n Scratchin' Turntable. Yep. Luckily, the planned Wave Two Gangsta Rap Raphael and Disco Donatello were never released. Fo Sho.

Worst Spider-Man Figure Ever

In honor of the release of Spider-Man 3 today, it was a natural to post the worst ever Spider-Man action figure: Beach Spider-Man. This was part of the horrid line of "Adventure Hero" Spideys that included Fisherman Spider-Man and Ninja Spider-Man. Believe me, I debated putting up Fisherman Spidey, but he looked so damn relaxed that I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the backward hat on Beach Spidey that ultimately won me over. Thank God they stopped this line when they did: future releases included Billing Compliance Coordinater Spidey, Ultrasound Technician Spidey, Dock Porter Spidey, Marketing Assistant Spidey and Coffee Barista Spidey. Hey, they're the real heroes in this workaday world.

Godzilla ... Fists-a-Flyin'!

Here's one of the all-time classic and oddest Godzilla toys, part of the 70's giant robot Shogun Warriors line. There are three things that make this such a great toy, as demonstrated from the above pic with all the creases on it... hey, take care of the original packaging, kids. First, a talent we'd all kill to have, a flaming tongue, according to insiders not included to represent his fire breath but rather to cash in on the Rolling Stones logo popularity. Second, if Godzilla was anything, he was a futurist, and his use of healys predated the annoying fad by over two decades (I refuse to believe he was into rollerskating). But the third and greatest and most bizarre feature of this toy was its unique "distance punching" ability, which as of today has thankfully not been adopted by kids. You think healys are annoying, just you wait for the day that flying fists invade your local mall. You'll hate it as much as Ghidorah, the Three Headed Monster did.

I'm Gonna Get You Suckerman

Suckerman (or "Sucky" as he was affectionately known) was a rubbery demon guy full of suction cups and you'd fling him atthe wall and watch him stick there, until the suckers got all dirty and he wouldn't stick anymore, and then you'd see how far he could stretch without breaking, and the answer was "not too far" and then you'd throw his sorry ass out and hop on your Atari. And that, my friends, was the day that video games won the hearts and minds of our youth. Et tu, Suckerman?