Ernest Borgnine action figure!

Never, ever get in an argument with someone over whether or not there ever existed an Ernest Borgnine action figure because you will get owned by this Black Hole movie based, rather svelt, rust-colored-luxurious-wool-sweater wearing masterwork. Not even Airwolf or The Single Guy produced one of these collectibles. Slightly off-topic, did you know he was married five times? (Check Wikipedia.)

A special shout out to my man MC Hammer

The first in what's destined to be a series of celebrity dolls - er, I mean "action figures" (this way I'll finally be able to have a post about Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan like everyone else). What better way to start than with the Funky Headhunter himself, MC Hammer. As if two parachute pants outfits weren't enough to entice Hammer fans into this purchase, this comes with... wait for it... a real cassette! (It was a little rectangle, plasticy thing with this brownish tape inside and would play music and get twisted up a lot and... ah, forget it, what does it matter now, o son of iTunes.)

Swamp Thing Bog Rover

The "thing" in Swamp Thing obviously did not refer to his muck encrusted manhood, because he seems to be over compensating for it with the Bog Rover and its "launching grappling missle." Maybe he's off to have a pissing contest with the Man-Thing, who chose his name more carefully to entice the ladies.

The C.B. McHaul Bad Guys

No, this isn't some twisted redneck circle jerk. It's from the a line of trucker themed toys cleverly called "C.B. McHaul". The guy in the middle is Bad Leroy. He sure is happy here, and can you blame him? I don't know what his buddies' names are, but I like to pretend one is called Off-Color Odie and the other is Unmannerly Mike.

Fisto, oh why are you named so?

Poor He-Man. It's hard enough keeping Skelator at bay, but he's also got to divide his time defending his sexuality and cleverly keeping his real identity a secret with spray on tanning. But when guys named "Fisto" and "Ram Man" and "Clay Aiken" start hanging around you, it makes that job all the more difficult. Luckily, Mattel decided not to release the "Rimmo" or "Tornado Twink" Series 8 figures, or it would've been a whole lot worse.

Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces, and a Hundred Thousand Nightmares

Do you remember Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces? Do you remember the time you woke up at 2:30 am and there was a hint of moonlight cast upon his face as he gazed at you from the foot of your bed? Did you run screaming into your parents room? Did you burn him the next day? Did you successfully suppress this memory, only to have it thrust back into your consciousness, without warning? If you've answered yes to even one of these questions, you have my sympathy. (But don't you dare go looking for him on eBay now. It will only end in tears.)

Evil Enemy: Weapons with the Smell of Battle!

Here is an Evil Enemy, which is an important distinction over the "Friendly Enemy" line of action figures, or the even worse "Horrendous Enemy." This particular enemy, Gen. Patch (not wearing an eye-patch, btw), has a weapon with the "smell of battle" which must provide the scent of a gaping chest wound.

Stretch Monster, be gentle with me, it's my first time.

Kicking things off is Stretch Monster. He's actually one of the greatest action figures of all time, what with the lethal goo inside him and all, but he's also one of the weirdest so he makes the list. This packaging is particularly freaky. I don't know what's worse, the kid's face or the pose he's got our Monster pal and Stretch Armstrong in. Maybe it's a combination of the two. I need some me-time to reflect upon this.