Gabrielle Action Figure with "Greiving" Powers!

I actually never watched Xena: Warrior Princess, so I have no frame of reference (or desire) for a "Greiving Gabrielle" action figure (which has made its home within the limits of Lame County). What I love about it, however, is the opportunity it brings to action figures which in the past have focused more on the physical special features like punching or ass-whupping. Consider the possibilities of a Star Wars: Emotions line, with Contemplative Chewbacca or Distressed Darth Nihilus, Lord of Hunger. Go on, Hasbro exec, add this post to del.ic.ious for future reference

Big Loo is Very Happy to See You!

I suppose that if I were to create a robot with a goal to make him as non-threatening as possible, naming him "Big Loo" would be high on that checklist, along with giving him a genuine smile pretty enough for an album cover, fantastic summer colors, the ability to shoot ping pong balls from his hand and water from his belly button. Then I could take a step back, nod my head in satisfaction, light up a pipe (because I imagine most robot builders still smoke pipes) and exclaim "Big Loo, you are totally off the hiz-ook."

Note how I am completely side-stepping the penis-missile head? That was a private choice, my friend, which I prefer not to discuss. Not until I'm ready.

I Don't Wanna Be Like You!

For die-hard collectors of all things Jungle Book (all three of you), the crown jewel surely must be this rather strange figurine of poor little feral Mowgli. While modestly covering up his nipples for us, he nevertheless seems to be unleashing the mother of all diarrhea, hence the facial expression. Yes, they don't make them like "Bowel Explosion Mowgli" anymore.

Micro Agression Indeed...

Um... er.... um... yep, there's your sad and wickedly appropriately labeled Chris Benoit action figure.

PowerPinch: Worst Transformers Figure Ever

In honor of the Transformers movie opening today, it was a natural to seek out the worst Transformer figure they ever made. This honor has to go to "PowerPinch"... I think he was one of the Beast Wars characters, but I don't really care. He's got the least threatening name ever, as scary as "SuperSlap" or "ThunderSqueeze"). Plus, he's got noodles hanging off his arm, so that was the killing blow. So PowerPinch, don't feel bad about not being cast by Micheal Bay... I hear the GoBots have some empty seats at their table. Zing!

Dr. Evil (the dirty hippie one)

Long before this generation's "One Million Dollars" version of an evil doctor was unleashed upon the box office, the true face of medical malevolence wore sandals, satin and a sunburst medallion. And oh yeah, he was blue. And you could see his brain. And he had a bad case of the stares. Whatever he wore, he scared the bejesus out of Captain Action. You'd be scared too if some lounge lizard mad scientist was about to throw a face at you.

I Ax You, Is Dis Rappin' Mike Ninja Turtle Da Bomb, Aw'ight? Tru Dat!

No toy line ever had its finger on the pulse on the America culture scene as tightly as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Breakdancing, eating pizza, use of the word "dude" and "radical" ... and hey, when have ninjas ever not been all that? That being said, this is perhaps the worst TMNT figure ever, is "Rappin Mike" complete with Microphone Nunchuku and Rappin' 'n Scratchin' Turntable. Yep. Luckily, the planned Wave Two Gangsta Rap Raphael and Disco Donatello were never released. Fo Sho.

Worst Spider-Man Figure Ever

In honor of the release of Spider-Man 3 today, it was a natural to post the worst ever Spider-Man action figure: Beach Spider-Man. This was part of the horrid line of "Adventure Hero" Spideys that included Fisherman Spider-Man and Ninja Spider-Man. Believe me, I debated putting up Fisherman Spidey, but he looked so damn relaxed that I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the backward hat on Beach Spidey that ultimately won me over. Thank God they stopped this line when they did: future releases included Billing Compliance Coordinater Spidey, Ultrasound Technician Spidey, Dock Porter Spidey, Marketing Assistant Spidey and Coffee Barista Spidey. Hey, they're the real heroes in this workaday world.

Godzilla ... Fists-a-Flyin'!

Here's one of the all-time classic and oddest Godzilla toys, part of the 70's giant robot Shogun Warriors line. There are three things that make this such a great toy, as demonstrated from the above pic with all the creases on it... hey, take care of the original packaging, kids. First, a talent we'd all kill to have, a flaming tongue, according to insiders not included to represent his fire breath but rather to cash in on the Rolling Stones logo popularity. Second, if Godzilla was anything, he was a futurist, and his use of healys predated the annoying fad by over two decades (I refuse to believe he was into rollerskating). But the third and greatest and most bizarre feature of this toy was its unique "distance punching" ability, which as of today has thankfully not been adopted by kids. You think healys are annoying, just you wait for the day that flying fists invade your local mall. You'll hate it as much as Ghidorah, the Three Headed Monster did.

I'm Gonna Get You Suckerman

Suckerman (or "Sucky" as he was affectionately known) was a rubbery demon guy full of suction cups and you'd fling him atthe wall and watch him stick there, until the suckers got all dirty and he wouldn't stick anymore, and then you'd see how far he could stretch without breaking, and the answer was "not too far" and then you'd throw his sorry ass out and hop on your Atari. And that, my friends, was the day that video games won the hearts and minds of our youth. Et tu, Suckerman?