Yub Yub! I'm Dead!

Okay, this one isn't real, but don't you wish it was? Don't get me started on the Ewoks, man. Anyway, if you like this one then head on over b3ta.com for the action figures across the ages challenge!

Moses, America's favorite action hero

I bet the top Moses could take the bottom one. Good, because I never did imagine Moses as a bearded elder in sandals carrying one of those curvy stick things. I guess he was probably carrying the Ten Commandments, but wouldn't it have been cooler if instead of that boring tablet he was carrying a sword and shield? Wouldn't we all have rather seen Charlton Heston decked out in the superhero costume? If you're rather enthusiastically shaking your head in the up and down affirmative motion, then you would probably be interested in purchasing the "Almighty Heroes" version of the Power Prophet. As part of this toy line, he's on a super-squad with David and Samson, but no relation to the Mighty Heroes, I'm afraid.

Gabrielle Action Figure with "Greiving" Powers!

I actually never watched Xena: Warrior Princess, so I have no frame of reference (or desire) for a "Greiving Gabrielle" action figure (which has made its home within the limits of Lame County). What I love about it, however, is the opportunity it brings to action figures which in the past have focused more on the physical special features like punching or ass-whupping. Consider the possibilities of a Star Wars: Emotions line, with Contemplative Chewbacca or Distressed Darth Nihilus, Lord of Hunger. Go on, Hasbro exec, add this post to del.ic.ious for future reference

Big Loo is Very Happy to See You!

I suppose that if I were to create a robot with a goal to make him as non-threatening as possible, naming him "Big Loo" would be high on that checklist, along with giving him a genuine smile pretty enough for an album cover, fantastic summer colors, the ability to shoot ping pong balls from his hand and water from his belly button. Then I could take a step back, nod my head in satisfaction, light up a pipe (because I imagine most robot builders still smoke pipes) and exclaim "Big Loo, you are totally off the hiz-ook."

Note how I am completely side-stepping the penis-missile head? That was a private choice, my friend, which I prefer not to discuss. Not until I'm ready.

I Don't Wanna Be Like You!

For die-hard collectors of all things Jungle Book (all three of you), the crown jewel surely must be this rather strange figurine of poor little feral Mowgli. While modestly covering up his nipples for us, he nevertheless seems to be unleashing the mother of all diarrhea, hence the facial expression. Yes, they don't make them like "Bowel Explosion Mowgli" anymore.

Micro Agression Indeed...

Um... er.... um... yep, there's your sad and wickedly appropriately labeled Chris Benoit action figure.

PowerPinch: Worst Transformers Figure Ever

In honor of the Transformers movie opening today, it was a natural to seek out the worst Transformer figure they ever made. This honor has to go to "PowerPinch"... I think he was one of the Beast Wars characters, but I don't really care. He's got the least threatening name ever, as scary as "SuperSlap" or "ThunderSqueeze"). Plus, he's got noodles hanging off his arm, so that was the killing blow. So PowerPinch, don't feel bad about not being cast by Micheal Bay... I hear the GoBots have some empty seats at their table. Zing!

Dr. Evil (the dirty hippie one)

Long before this generation's "One Million Dollars" version of an evil doctor was unleashed upon the box office, the true face of medical malevolence wore sandals, satin and a sunburst medallion. And oh yeah, he was blue. And you could see his brain. And he had a bad case of the stares. Whatever he wore, he scared the bejesus out of Captain Action. You'd be scared too if some lounge lizard mad scientist was about to throw a face at you.

I Ax You, Is Dis Rappin' Mike Ninja Turtle Da Bomb, Aw'ight? Tru Dat!

No toy line ever had its finger on the pulse on the America culture scene as tightly as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Breakdancing, eating pizza, use of the word "dude" and "radical" ... and hey, when have ninjas ever not been all that? That being said, this is perhaps the worst TMNT figure ever, is "Rappin Mike" complete with Microphone Nunchuku and Rappin' 'n Scratchin' Turntable. Yep. Luckily, the planned Wave Two Gangsta Rap Raphael and Disco Donatello were never released. Fo Sho.

Worst Spider-Man Figure Ever

In honor of the release of Spider-Man 3 today, it was a natural to post the worst ever Spider-Man action figure: Beach Spider-Man. This was part of the horrid line of "Adventure Hero" Spideys that included Fisherman Spider-Man and Ninja Spider-Man. Believe me, I debated putting up Fisherman Spidey, but he looked so damn relaxed that I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the backward hat on Beach Spidey that ultimately won me over. Thank God they stopped this line when they did: future releases included Billing Compliance Coordinater Spidey, Ultrasound Technician Spidey, Dock Porter Spidey, Marketing Assistant Spidey and Coffee Barista Spidey. Hey, they're the real heroes in this workaday world.

Godzilla ... Fists-a-Flyin'!

Here's one of the all-time classic and oddest Godzilla toys, part of the 70's giant robot Shogun Warriors line. There are three things that make this such a great toy, as demonstrated from the above pic with all the creases on it... hey, take care of the original packaging, kids. First, a talent we'd all kill to have, a flaming tongue, according to insiders not included to represent his fire breath but rather to cash in on the Rolling Stones logo popularity. Second, if Godzilla was anything, he was a futurist, and his use of healys predated the annoying fad by over two decades (I refuse to believe he was into rollerskating). But the third and greatest and most bizarre feature of this toy was its unique "distance punching" ability, which as of today has thankfully not been adopted by kids. You think healys are annoying, just you wait for the day that flying fists invade your local mall. You'll hate it as much as Ghidorah, the Three Headed Monster did.

I'm Gonna Get You Suckerman

Suckerman (or "Sucky" as he was affectionately known) was a rubbery demon guy full of suction cups and you'd fling him atthe wall and watch him stick there, until the suckers got all dirty and he wouldn't stick anymore, and then you'd see how far he could stretch without breaking, and the answer was "not too far" and then you'd throw his sorry ass out and hop on your Atari. And that, my friends, was the day that video games won the hearts and minds of our youth. Et tu, Suckerman?

Greatest Tape Dispenser of All Time

Sure, it's not an action figure, but if you're a fan of openly gay robots and if you enjoy the convenience of receiving neatly cut pieces of tape from a dispenser, right now you're undoubtedly thinking "Have I found myself in a mythical Himalayan utopia at last?" Well, that's not for me to say. But what I can comment on is the beauty of this C-3PO collectible, perhaps the most perplexing Star Wars piece of merchandising ever. "Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating me to erotic pleasure by pulling this tape is approximately 3,720 to 1."

Most Sexually Explicit Sounding Star Wars Toy

The Probe Droid. With Photo Torpedo (c'mon!) and, wait for it, Self-Destruct Exploding Head. I love it. Give me this, a Slave Leia figure, and a cheap bottle of tequila and you won't see me all weekend.

Nothing is Over! Unless I Erase it With My Head!

While technically not an action figure, action erasers are even cooler, especially when they look like a ninja or John Rambo. I would fear ever making a mistake, because Rambo would put me in a body bag if I tried to use his head to correct it. He'd be mad enough with a pencil sticking in his arse. Do I think this eraser top is God? No, a God eraser would have mercy. He won't.

Hooray for Boray!

The original Battlestar Galactica is, strangely enough, remembered for the cool Cylon robots and robot dogs, but not so much for Boray. Why, it's so bad that even Boray doesn't remember Boray. Just look at him in the plastic, he's all like "Ah! What the hell is that ugly giant face staring at me?!?" and then big Boray is all like "Don't you sass me, young man! You endlessly disappoint me as an action figure, you gaudy, coma-inducing assault on the ocular senses." And then off in the distance, a Viper blows up a Cylon fighter and everyone on the Galactic cheers. See? This toy is more exciting if you keep it in its original packaging.

Big Bird Flu?

I've got your pandemic right here, boys and girls. One of these things is definitely not like the others. Has Big Bird ever been more sinister looking than this representation? It makes me reconsider a lot of things I thought were true. Like Mr. Hooper. How did he die? Bird seemed awfully confused by it... almost a little too confused now that I think about it. Hmmm. And don't get me started about how long it's been since we've seen Guy Smiley or Roosevelt Franklin on the Street.

Do You Garloo?

Meet the Great Garloo. "Garloo" is his name and does not refer to his leopard-loincloth hidden heat-seeking moisture missile. But what is his hand gesture referring to? Is it that wide, as Garloo would hope, or that short? He did spawn a Son of Garloo, so at least it's working. No word on any She-Garloos though.

What has two thumbs and like to smash puny humans?

This Hulk!

Worst G.I. Joe Code Names Ever #1: Skidmark

Yeah, so this G.I. Joe really is code-named Skidmark. I guess knowing really is half the battle! I included the little card cutout thing from the package to prove it. A little known fact, the original codename was "Poopy Pants" but the powers-that-be felt it wasn't tough enough. Now that I mention it, the color of his pants makes the whole thing even worse. I believe he was part of the"Fecal Force" wave that included the "Louisiana Swamp Ass" Dreadnaut, and the "Choco Wheelie" assault vehicle.

Ernest Borgnine action figure!

Never, ever get in an argument with someone over whether or not there ever existed an Ernest Borgnine action figure because you will get owned by this Black Hole movie based, rather svelt, rust-colored-luxurious-wool-sweater wearing masterwork. Not even Airwolf or The Single Guy produced one of these collectibles. Slightly off-topic, did you know he was married five times? (Check Wikipedia.)

A special shout out to my man MC Hammer

The first in what's destined to be a series of celebrity dolls - er, I mean "action figures" (this way I'll finally be able to have a post about Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan like everyone else). What better way to start than with the Funky Headhunter himself, MC Hammer. As if two parachute pants outfits weren't enough to entice Hammer fans into this purchase, this comes with... wait for it... a real cassette! (It was a little rectangle, plasticy thing with this brownish tape inside and would play music and get twisted up a lot and... ah, forget it, what does it matter now, o son of iTunes.)

Swamp Thing Bog Rover

The "thing" in Swamp Thing obviously did not refer to his muck encrusted manhood, because he seems to be over compensating for it with the Bog Rover and its "launching grappling missle." Maybe he's off to have a pissing contest with the Man-Thing, who chose his name more carefully to entice the ladies.

The C.B. McHaul Bad Guys

No, this isn't some twisted redneck circle jerk. It's from the a line of trucker themed toys cleverly called "C.B. McHaul". The guy in the middle is Bad Leroy. He sure is happy here, and can you blame him? I don't know what his buddies' names are, but I like to pretend one is called Off-Color Odie and the other is Unmannerly Mike.

Fisto, oh why are you named so?

Poor He-Man. It's hard enough keeping Skelator at bay, but he's also got to divide his time defending his sexuality and cleverly keeping his real identity a secret with spray on tanning. But when guys named "Fisto" and "Ram Man" and "Clay Aiken" start hanging around you, it makes that job all the more difficult. Luckily, Mattel decided not to release the "Rimmo" or "Tornado Twink" Series 8 figures, or it would've been a whole lot worse.

Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces, and a Hundred Thousand Nightmares

Do you remember Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces? Do you remember the time you woke up at 2:30 am and there was a hint of moonlight cast upon his face as he gazed at you from the foot of your bed? Did you run screaming into your parents room? Did you burn him the next day? Did you successfully suppress this memory, only to have it thrust back into your consciousness, without warning? If you've answered yes to even one of these questions, you have my sympathy. (But don't you dare go looking for him on eBay now. It will only end in tears.)

Evil Enemy: Weapons with the Smell of Battle!

Here is an Evil Enemy, which is an important distinction over the "Friendly Enemy" line of action figures, or the even worse "Horrendous Enemy." This particular enemy, Gen. Patch (not wearing an eye-patch, btw), has a weapon with the "smell of battle" which must provide the scent of a gaping chest wound.

Stretch Monster, be gentle with me, it's my first time.

Kicking things off is Stretch Monster. He's actually one of the greatest action figures of all time, what with the lethal goo inside him and all, but he's also one of the weirdest so he makes the list. This packaging is particularly freaky. I don't know what's worse, the kid's face or the pose he's got our Monster pal and Stretch Armstrong in. Maybe it's a combination of the two. I need some me-time to reflect upon this.